Life.

The past four months of my life have been both the darkest and brightest days of my life.  Unimaginable heartache, loss, a cross country move, stress, endless travel, the most beautiful wedding, and now a new marriage.  It's been an emotional roller-coaster to say the least.  

I am looking forward to sharing with you the wedding details, the planning process, the GORGEOUS photos and highlights.  I will share some advice on keeping yourself  sane while planning, managing the task list and how to stay on brand with your theme.  But, before I share all of my pearls of wedding wisdom, I need to send some feelings into the universe, and set them free.  Therapy, I guess you could call it...

In April,  3 days after celebrating her 67th birthday, I suddenly lost my mom to a heart attack.   She was healthy, active, fit, vibrant and full of sass and wisdom. How could she be fine one day and gone the next? It was so sudden and harsh and breathtaking.  But at least she didn't suffer.  That's what people told me.  While it's comforting to know, selfishly, it is no consolation to me.  I didn't get the chance to say goodbye. I didn't get the chance to have her hold my hand on my wedding day.  I don't get to call her someday, down the line, to tell her that she's going to be a grandma. She would have been the best grandma. I feel like I was robbed. That she was robbed of major life moments. That my father was robbed of his love, his wife and his partner of the past 40 years. Our whole family was robbed of her light and love. 

  My mom was my person. She was hilarious, sharp, curious, sentimental, empathetic and ditsy all wrapped into one.  She was my best friend, my cheerleader, my reality check.  She was my everything. We spoke 2-3 times most days, sometimes more.  When she was in Brazil every winter, we would FaceTime.  She never quite grasped the concept of the camera or that I could see her.  Most conversations consisted of me either being dizzy from walking around in her hand, looking up her nose or into her ear.  Like I said, she was hilarious. 

She's been gone for just over three months, and I still have dreams about her most nights, though I've slowly stopped waking up in tears when I realize that she's gone. All that's left now is a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. Sometimes, when I am distracted, I forget, and mindlessly pick up the phone to call her her about something trivial; something only she and I would think is funny. The urge to confide in her is overwhelming sometimes. I have amazing friends, a huge loving family and a new husband who listen, but it's just not the same. 

In her last voicemail to me, she scolded me for forgetting to pay a bill (not surprising). I listen to it most days, so as to not forget her voice, even though she was annoyed at me. What I wouldn't give to have her annoyed at me one more time...

 The last time we spoke, she was in HomeGoods, and called to ask me if I wanted her to pick up some chalkboards for the wedding. We giggled the whole conversation, giddy to finally be styling my wedding together. 

 The last time I hugged her was a few days before she passed, as I ran out the door before dawn to catch a flight for a business trip.  A flight I would have missed if she didn't wake me up (my alarm was set to 4 PM not AM).  She saved my ass all the time.  

The last months of wedding planning without her, I was meticulous to keep all of the details exactly to what she and I designed.  I wanted it to be exactly what she imagined.  I included her jewelry, photos, antique linens and favorite songs throughout the day, so that I could feel her with me. But it just wasn't the same. And on the days leading up to my beautiful wedding, I missed her the most. While my spirit soared to be marrying the most wonderful man, my heart sunk because she wasn't there.  I needed her to zip me up, tuck my hair behind my ear and tell me she loves me before going down the aisle. She did that, through my best friends, her best friends and my Aunts... but she was still desperately missed. But it was ok.

    It had to be ok, because life goes on, and she'd be really pissed if I missed out on the happiest day of my life.  Bittersweet, that's what life is.  Loss and gain.  Moving on but never forgetting.

Now that the excitement is over and we are falling back into a routine at home, it's harder than ever.  The excitement of the wedding is a sparkling golden memory.  But I'm left with tons of mental space with which to miss her. I will spend the rest of my life missing her, and that is ok too. Sadness is ok.  

She is always with me, just like Winnie the Pooh said she would be.

xoxo, 

Bee